COME AND SEE ME INSTEAD...

Where are you?

There have been a lot of questions flowing freely on my mind.. One of which is the most common among people who feel unloved due to the absence of a partner; “Where are you my soul mate?”  Duh… I don’t think soul mates   exist – or I am just too skeptical not to believe in it  for I’m bitter. 

Drop it.

After experiencing  and tasting the sweetest, the strangest, the boldest and the most painful love affairs with numerous bullshits, I have come to realize, there isn’t anyone who could fit my sides. I might be a polygon.

A polygon. With many sides.

Now, I'm single and have been so for quite a long time. Well, a month is already long for me for that matter. NOOOO…  LOL. I’m not counting those past love bullshit-affairs I had. They’re all ego-crushing… and the people involved. As what I was told, “You were happy, though.”  Yes, I was, yet short-lived. Even so, OKAY NA RIN.

Am I happy? [no one can answer me… I mean, you can; nonetheless, you might not know what or how I really feel.]

Growing old and growing up are rather different things. Have I grown up? In what sense? Have I grown old? It can be delayed. Haha. For the past years, my life has been so eventful except for my stagnant career. I have been too scared to put my feet in the water and try something new. Something fresh. Plans made, some fulfilled, most not. It’s been years of going inward to sort out all the internal turmoil that was eating up my soul. Now I think, relationships are not really compatible with this process, as they tend to put a lot of focus on accommodating to the partner's needs - which can be difficult when you don't know what your own are (where do you think arguments in relationships start?). However, with most of my problems now being worked through, it's time to move my perspective outward.

With gorgeous and happy friends around me, at work, outside, at the dining tables, all the pasta delights and lunch break buzz, my life becomes full and very satisfying and everything seems to be going the right way. Yet there are times I feel  as if I were at a cross-roads, a rough, depressing landscape behind me and roads of opportunity shooting in all directions ahead of me into the place where my potential will  unfold. What I do as a language teacher is deepening. I’m able to relate to individuals….to the not so brainy ones and  to the bright ones. Moreover, I'm becoming ever more passionate, seeing opportunities all around, warming up to the idea of discovering ever more facets of truth about myself and the world around me.

YES.

What's around me looks beautiful - the air is crisp and the sun high in the sky - and there's no one here to see it with me. Truth is, I'm lonely sometimes.

SIGH.

And the questions just start piling up - am I too picky? Am I not looking in the right places? Don't I go out that enough? Am I too weird? Do I give too much of myself too early? Should I try Internet dating? [promise… I haven’t done this. LOL....] Do I need to be more promiscuous and less idealistic? Do I need to drop my idea of One Love?

Maybe or maybe not. As for being picky, if I have to "lower my standards" to the point that I get together with someone altogether unattractive (speaking not only physically) just for the sake of coupling up, I'd rather be single! But I'm not meant to be - not at this stage in my life. And that has little to do with the expectation of society (which labels you a loser if you haven't got it all figured out by thirty - what a loser society), this is my need.

So where are you, love? Where are you, kindred spirit? I'm looking for you - and you, I bet, are looking for me - waiting to dance the dance of Eternity, together as mere reflections of the divine.

Don't worry, I'll see you soon. OR YOU SEE ME INSTEAD.

good night!

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MY SUPER GOOD FRIDAY!~

As an employee, working for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, a 4-day vacation is long enough to recuperate energy lost. Yes, the Holy week this year was well-disposed to people like me. Like the most, I also wanted to go somewhere, take a trip or be ‘holy’ in any case. Well I guess traveling might not make you as holy as you could be, but somehow it could help you reflect and repent (??? How???)… just a thought. This is how I do it. I can’t think for myself at home anyway. With facebook and movie files??? How can I?

drinking on A gOOD friday~! thanks to you!

Quaffing  a bottle of beer, (at the moment I’m typing this text), I realized that this is the first time, in my 27 years, (ignoring the earliest years) that I wanted to get plastered on a GOOd Friday. Forgive me, but I can’t help it.

The reason?

I AM DISAPPOINTED.

I was hoping to go somewhere with someone dear to me, but didn’t. Instead, I spent  my time wallowing in bed, which I have always wanted to do. I didn’t even bother to open the bible nor go to church. I felt like I was a very bad person.

Then I realized to think. Pressed rewind. I saw images of my past. Happy times with friends and boyfriends. Break-ups, goodbyes and all the ‘shits’. I felt very old. Fagged. I put my left hand on my left chest. Felt my hear beat, and asked, “Aren’t you tired yet?”. “How many times have they punctured you?” No answer.

If my heart could just talk, it would bawl at me. It would complain about being neglected. It would complain about getting hurt most of the time. It would punch me right on the face if it had a fist.

BREATHE.

I TURNED OFF MY PHONE. What a relief! I wasn’t able to receive unappealing messages. Messages that read “Delete my number!”  “Bye”… Why do some people find it easy as breathing hurting other people? I am sensitive. Sane.

REINCARNATION.

Yes. I believe in reincarnation, but not the changing into another form or rebirth. I believe it in a different sense. (who the hell cares about what I’m believing in, ayt?!) It is like being in a relationship with one person to another. Next one after the ‘ex’. Finding the perfect one. In a matter of days, a week perhaps or let it die in a minute and get another one. That easy.

I AM NOT BAD.

I like being good most of the time. I am sweet, but when I turn sour, you might as well like the ‘pickled’ me. Not the drunk one, but the sour one.

Good night~!

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And the burden became weightless...

"Yuletide season is at its last two weeks and instead of seeing  everything blue because of some misunderstandings and fights over 'pride' matters, I can see red and glittering lights of love and forgiveness..."  

After several weeks of being in the battle whether to be happy or to remain burdened [because of petty quarrels and word war... on text messaging and even on Facebook 'statuses'] I thought about forgiveness in relationships and it set my mind thinking. In definiton, forgiveness means the act of forgiving and to forgive means to grant pardon for, to grant pardon to (a person) or to cease to feel resentment against.

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” — Robert Muller, Assistant Secretary - General of the United States

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” — Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhi said it well when he said that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. For most people, to forgive is a difficult thing to do. In fact to forgive, it takes a whole lot of courage to do it. However, why do we find it so hard to forgive someone? Is is because of the need to let the person knows that we are angry with him/her? Or is it because if we forgive that person, it means that the person wins?  Forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that we approve or agree with what that person did.

Most people think that to forgive is all about the other person. The fact is when you forgive someone, you free yourself from anger; anger is a very strong negative feeling and it blocks you from loving.

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“We cannot love unless we have accepted forgiveness, and the deeper our experience of forgiveness is, the greater is our love.” — Paul Tillich

Being angry allowed the person or situation to take over control of you. By forgiving, you are not only freeing yourself but also taking control of the situation and yourself. Being in control will give you the power to choose your reaction. Thus do yourself a favor today and remember that forgiving another person does not set him/her free but it sets you free instead. There is another point which I agree with , that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself instead of something you give to another person. It is the best gift you can give to yourself and you can benefit greatly from it too. It is the best gift I received this Christmas.

 “Learning to forgive those who have attacked me has been a powerful tool in my life. When I harbor anger and resentment toward another person it only hurts me and I am the one who suffers.” What do you think?

Forgive those who hurt us, forgive those who throw inflicting spear of words against us, they need more love and understanding more than we do. 

A late Christmas Greetings to everyone~! I'd say, Happy New Year Instead~! 


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What is Sad about Love? ...Sarang An Hae.

Do you know what's sad about love?

It's when you happen to know that there's just no hope for you being together yet you still make it work...

It's when your mind says let go but your heart holds on...

and most of all, it's when no matter how you try to forget the person you just can't because of the fact that you still love him/her and you just don't know why...

Try loving someone you've loved before and you'll realize that it will either lead to the same thing that happened before... or something better. Not hard isn't it?

"But why not try loving someone who doesn't love you back... it's either you see yourself giving up or dying daily..." -Grey's Anatomy

"If you love and get hurt, love more... If you love more and get hurt more, love even more... If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more... " - Shakespeare

The gauge of how much you truly treasure something or someone is not how happy you are with them... but how sad you are when you lose them... One grows distant from another not because of indifference but because of fear. There's the fear that the hurt gets greater as one gets closer.... :( A recognition of the tendency to fall deeply, and consequently drown in a quicksand of STUPID irrationalities...

Sometimes, what drives one away is NOT the absence of emotion... but the overwhelming presence of it...

Falling in love is never a decision -- always by chance.

Staying in love is never a chance -- always by choice.

... and Falling out of love is never a choice -- always a decision. (CLICHE as it is, but true.,)

Attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice.

Listen: Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen... We may meet somebody by chance... but loving and staying with that someone is still a choice.

JUST BECAUSE MY EYES DON'T HAVE TEARS... IT DOESN'T MEAN MY HEART DOESN'T CRY.

JUST BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS SEE ME STRONG... IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S NOTHING WRONG.

SOMETIMES I CHOOSE TO PRETEND I'M HAPPY SO I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE WHO WOULD NEVER EVEN UNDERSTAND...

SMILING IS ALWAYS EASIER THAN EXPLAINING TO ALL WHY I AM SAD... IT'S NEVER THE TEARS THAT MEASURE THE PAIN! IT'S SOMETIMES THE SMILE WE FAKE...

A person who truly loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes... while everyone still believes in the smile on your face... The person you love most has the best capacity to make you the happiest person in the world ----- and ------ may give you the worst heartache you can never imagine.

In life, I have done every way of fighting. Heard every painful truth.... Been in every heartbreaking scene, and felt dreadful feeling. I thought going through it all will then make me realize that i have to stop the fight at least to save a little for myself.... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY????? IT'S WHEN I SEEM TO BE SOOOO MUCH TIRED OF IT ALL... BUT STILL CAN'T QUIT NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS. AND I HAVE TO CONTINUE HOPING THAT ONE DAY... I'LL BE ABLE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO COULD LOVE ME NOT JUST "RIGHT" BUT "REAL"...

Love is like giving someone a gun... having them point it at your heart... and trusting them to never pull the trigger... I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go... It's like we're scared to lose what we don't even really have... Some of us say we'd rather have something than absolutely nothing... but the truth is "TO HAVE IT HALFWAY IS HARDER THAN NOT HAVING IT AT ALL."

I WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE WHO COULD EASE THE PAIN THAT I HAVE… WHO COULD HOLD ME TIGHT… THE ONE WHO WILL NEVER LET ME GO… TILL EVERY DROP OF TEARS THAT I HAVE HAD FALLEN… TILL EVERY STRENGTH THAT I HAVE ALREADY PASSED OUT…. THEN I CAN NO LONGER MOVE… AS HE LAY ME DOWN IN MY BED,… SINGS ME A LULLABY TILL I FALL ASLEEP AND WHISPER BESIDE… “I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU MY LEE…”

.....Time may take us away.. space may keep us apart... rumors and hurts may break us down... yet no matter where life leads us... I'll always be here and i'll never stop CARING...

and tears stained my keyboard... sobs....

What's your Green light?! [ My view on one of the classic novels of the century (???)~ F. Scott Fitzgerald's "THE GREAT GATSBY"

         I'd rather watch a 4-hour long movie than read a less than a hundred-page novel. That's how lazy I am. (only if you call it total laziness *winks*) After a week of working like an intelligent English-speaking chatterbox, I found myself locked in my not so spacious room-- unaffected by all the noise and the nagging of my dear mother Ramona. Another Saturday to be spent at home. Yes, at home.

Upon spreading up my laptop to begin my "facebook'ing'" activity, I saw this book placed on the lid of my precious porcelain cup. It was big enough to cover it, though. (Well, I was so lazy to take it to the kitchen the other night, I just put it there even though there was a little milk left in it. That's why I covered it --- with a book.  heeeeeeeeeeee...) Okay, so what's with the book? It was given to me by my student Jena. I can still remember when I asked her if she liked to criticize others. She answered, "Whenever you feel like criticizing any one...just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had." I was in awe. I never thought an upper beginner student could make a sentence like that. She smiled and told me, " Oh dear, I know you were surprised. It's just a quote from my favorite book, The Great Gatsby." Intrigued, I asked her if  I could borrow it. Kind as she was, she decided to give it to me. Yes, she gave me the book 'The Great Gatsby' -- the book which I used to cover my cup. Oh well. 

So, out of boredom, I carried myself to read this book. It's much better than watching a lousy-themed movie in a lazy afternoon. LOL.

More than a present to me

To pretty Lemuel... ahahahahah....

 

         I can't say this novel is one of my favorites. As what I have mentioned earlier, I am not a bookworm. Therefore, having a lot of much preferent books is out of the question. I only read when I feel like reading. I don't rush to the bookstores and grab the best sellers or wait for the book two or book three or book fifty of the fictions Harry Potter, the Twilight Series and the likes. I don't fancy them, they can't quench my thirst for knowledge anyhow. [that's my opinion, if you like reading those series, fine.]   

I didn't have the faintest iota of interest in neither era or lifestyle of the people in this novela. I just quite loved the fashion. So cabaret. The roaring 20's. So why did I read it to begin with? Well, because I wanted to give it a chance. Because I wanted to prove that what were said about this novel are true OR Fitzgerald might have just kissed the right asses to have his novel be acclaimed as one of the most read books of the century.. I've been surprised by some  books, many a times. I Thought this could open a new literary door for me.
 

Okay... ermnnn...Anyway, I think most of the novel is 'incomprehensibly lame'. Although the strings  of the lines were carefully constructed, I was never fully introduced to the root of the affair that existed between Gatsby and Daisy. So they were in love...yeah..I've been in love too, who cares? LOL.
Several times I didn't even understand where characters were when they were speaking to each other. I also didn't understand the whole affair with Tom and Mrs. Wilson.. and something about her husband locking her up over the garage...? huh? then she gets run over by a car, then he sneaks in through the trees and shoots Gatsby? wha..? still..why am I supposed to care about all this? I might not have been in the right  condition to read or maybe I was just plain sleepy. 

Nonetheless, there's one sure thing that I completely understood from this novel. I'm trying to be kind now. I promise. ahahahahahah... LOL. The Great Gatsby is a story of unflinching, consuming love. Although Fitzgerald has been hailed for his insights into the modern world through this novel, I think these insights are mere appendages to the main great story.

At the beginning of the novel, Nick wrote about Gatsby's "extraordinary gift for hope, a romantic readiness such as I have never found in any person and which is not likely to I shall ever find again."

The first time Nick saw Gatsby, he recorded this distinct scene: "...he stretched out his arms towards the dark water in a curious way, and, far as I was from him, I could have sworn he was trembling. Involuntarily I glanced seaward -- and distinguished nothing except a single green light, minute and far away, that might have been the end of a dock."

The green light is from Daisy's house across the bay. A signal which gave Gatsby hope.

At the end of the novel,  Fitzgerald, through Nick, recapped: "Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter -- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch our arms farther... So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."  

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What about you? Do you have your green light? What gives you hope?

 

                                    ~Now there's a start for another interpretation...

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GOODNIGHT~

BUTIG vs TINIKAL (a repost from my old blog )

http://tacticalloner.blog.friendster.com/2008/10/hello-world/     <a repost from an old blog dated October 1, 2008>


      

       One boring Sunday afternoon, I killed my time watching "Showbiz Central" on GMA [ i'm not a Kapuso, though]. There was a segment where the host asked the guest celebrity “killer” questions. Like being interrogated, the celebrity looked like a subject for interrogation with all the straps coiled on his upper body and seated next to a polygraph  where the wired straps were connected. This segment is a real fun to watch. Once the celebrity answers the question, the  polygraph inspector  will raise a "truth or a lie" placard. Once the answer is a lie, the host will dance like there's no tomorrow with all the confetti and male dancers lifting and swinging him. He celebrates whenever his victims tell a lie. That’s his purpose anyway — to catch them lying. I wish I was him. I wish I could enjoy the rattling feeling of being told a lie.

            If lies were daggers, I could have died of stab wounds. Yet, here I am with eyes open, letting those side stories pass me by. Letting myself heal every time I’m stabbed. Ouch. “Medics, medics, I am so sick”

            Lies are like bubble gums. So easy to chew. Make a bubble. Then pop it. People can believe. Exclude me paahhleeeessssseeeee.

Lies come in different flavors. I know two.

                             

1.  The real lie and the white lie. 

                                    – Prevarication . A game which lie “puppeteers” master. Hehe… People who try to fool   the gullible. I’m no PUPPET. I know and I can feel when a certain person lies. No matter how hard they try to fabricate and pervert what is real.

2.  The so common lie + brag or the cock-a-hop style.

                                      –When braggarts do their bragging schemes, they are not actually aware that they have been telling and crowing the same stories again and again and again. Stories about wealth (of others ), accomplishments (of others), relationships with the elites “kuno” [ the famous and the infamous ]  I would be phony if I say  I haven’t chewed these gums. I have had. Nevertheless, not to the highest level.  Not even to level negative. Be real.

           

            Too much self-importance can also be the reason why people brag and bloat things. It also makes the listeners’ heads swell. I’m one of them. I need earplugs. Paahhlllleeeessseeeee again.

            Insecurity also can. People naturally fancy things which likely they cannot be or cannot have, so they resort to “deng dong deng” — Bhhhrraaging. 

            Stop it… stop it… It’s getting vivid.

            I haven’t asked an expert yet why I feel a little better when I catch somebody lying. Most especially when I have concoctions that a certain person is just simply L-Y-I-N-G. There is a feeling of relief even though I’m not told the truth. I don’t confront. I don’t need to. It’s the job of the conscience and “CLASS”– which I’m afraid some people don’t have.

~Love me, hate me, but don’t lie to me.~

      I CRY JUSTICE FOR A DEAR FRIEND 
                 
                NIQ ESTAMPADOR!!!

a REAL LIFE DOLL...

       YOU WILL BE MISSED.  I LOVE YOU.

















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