COME AND SEE ME INSTEAD...

Where are you?

There have been a lot of questions flowing freely on my mind.. One of which is the most common among people who feel unloved due to the absence of a partner; “Where are you my soul mate?”  Duh… I don’t think soul mates   exist – or I am just too skeptical not to believe in it  for I’m bitter. 

Drop it.

After experiencing  and tasting the sweetest, the strangest, the boldest and the most painful love affairs with numerous bullshits, I have come to realize, there isn’t anyone who could fit my sides. I might be a polygon.

A polygon. With many sides.

Now, I'm single and have been so for quite a long time. Well, a month is already long for me for that matter. NOOOO…  LOL. I’m not counting those past love bullshit-affairs I had. They’re all ego-crushing… and the people involved. As what I was told, “You were happy, though.”  Yes, I was, yet short-lived. Even so, OKAY NA RIN.

Am I happy? [no one can answer me… I mean, you can; nonetheless, you might not know what or how I really feel.]

Growing old and growing up are rather different things. Have I grown up? In what sense? Have I grown old? It can be delayed. Haha. For the past years, my life has been so eventful except for my stagnant career. I have been too scared to put my feet in the water and try something new. Something fresh. Plans made, some fulfilled, most not. It’s been years of going inward to sort out all the internal turmoil that was eating up my soul. Now I think, relationships are not really compatible with this process, as they tend to put a lot of focus on accommodating to the partner's needs - which can be difficult when you don't know what your own are (where do you think arguments in relationships start?). However, with most of my problems now being worked through, it's time to move my perspective outward.

With gorgeous and happy friends around me, at work, outside, at the dining tables, all the pasta delights and lunch break buzz, my life becomes full and very satisfying and everything seems to be going the right way. Yet there are times I feel  as if I were at a cross-roads, a rough, depressing landscape behind me and roads of opportunity shooting in all directions ahead of me into the place where my potential will  unfold. What I do as a language teacher is deepening. I’m able to relate to individuals….to the not so brainy ones and  to the bright ones. Moreover, I'm becoming ever more passionate, seeing opportunities all around, warming up to the idea of discovering ever more facets of truth about myself and the world around me.

YES.

What's around me looks beautiful - the air is crisp and the sun high in the sky - and there's no one here to see it with me. Truth is, I'm lonely sometimes.

SIGH.

And the questions just start piling up - am I too picky? Am I not looking in the right places? Don't I go out that enough? Am I too weird? Do I give too much of myself too early? Should I try Internet dating? [promise… I haven’t done this. LOL....] Do I need to be more promiscuous and less idealistic? Do I need to drop my idea of One Love?

Maybe or maybe not. As for being picky, if I have to "lower my standards" to the point that I get together with someone altogether unattractive (speaking not only physically) just for the sake of coupling up, I'd rather be single! But I'm not meant to be - not at this stage in my life. And that has little to do with the expectation of society (which labels you a loser if you haven't got it all figured out by thirty - what a loser society), this is my need.

So where are you, love? Where are you, kindred spirit? I'm looking for you - and you, I bet, are looking for me - waiting to dance the dance of Eternity, together as mere reflections of the divine.

Don't worry, I'll see you soon. OR YOU SEE ME INSTEAD.

good night!

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