How Have you been?

                         

     Growing up and growing old, I have always associated grief with loss, death, a heartbreak, failure & lots of tears. I have experienced them all. I must have been grieving all along.   OR I must have been grieving for the wrong reasons (perhaps), wrong seasons (maybe) OR I am just sad. I don't know.

    I lost.

    I have always wanted to win in life. I have had those victories. Little victories that were unknown to many but myself. Whether I came second best or even last. When I know that I have done my best at what I do, I'd feel a winner. 

    Imagine living abroad for almost a decade -- alone --. This is a feat as far as survival is concerned. How in the world I managed this? Oh yeah, clearly because I'm a salaried person. I work and I get to pay my bills, utilities and of course my gin and tonic. But since the COVID-19 outbreak, that feeling of being a champion has changed. The industry where I'm working in has been badly hit which eventually led to laying off and forced LOAs. Delving into details would be unnecessary. I took the latter, by the way. I was not forced to leave, though. I am convinced that I could make ends meet. Fortunately, I am actually doing it -- but still, I miss being in an actual workplace . Working from home is IN. -but- Having longer time with myself made me lose motivation. I get easily distracted. The pang of homesickness engulfed me. Should I go back home? 

NO.

I am staying.

But my decision to stay spawned uncertainties. What am I doing here? Where am I heading? Tons of questions squirm in my mind that I have been losing sleep most nights. Is it depression? Am I depressed? Before I can finally define which stage I am at, I need to ponder on these:

Does my family have the same priority in my life as they used to?

Do people exhaust me?

Has my appetite changed and lost some weight?

Have I given up things I'm always excited about?

Has my taste in music or movies turned 'dark'

Do I want to run away but I don't know where to go? 

Do I feel lost and confused and not able to do even simple tasks?

Do people exhaust me?

Have I put my friendship in the back burner?

Do I feel like crying for no reason?

Do I feel defeated?

Am I dealing with my possible depression with some 'vices'?

Do I think about suicide?

My possible thoughts and answers on these can gauge the severity of how I am feeling. Ask yourself too. If you don't even have these questions in your mind, you are fine, dear. Don't mind me. I'll be fine.

I just need a little fixing. A touch. A hug. Not any word.

JUST MEET ME WHERE I AM AT.

Taking the fall, reaching the ground.

on L.O.V.E. and  R.E.L.A.T.I.O.N.S.H.I.P.

 
  I clearly define myself as a polygon. A multi-sided/angled individual. A crazy partner, a smart friend, maybe twisted for some. Yes I am, and I do not know whether I'll come into shape; or will be rigidly smoothed in time --- paradoxically speaking. Sad.

    I know I am capable of falling in love, be in love and to 'act' love. I am never bionic nor quite unattractively plain-looking. I believe I posses those 'half-charms' --- not those 'half-wits' of course. In the past years, I came to realize again that for the sake of having someone as a partner (as when the longing sets in), I would plunk in no time; get blinded by the murky waters of calf-deep love. Only to learn in the end that it was not something I ever dreamed of getting down deep. It was just something I had to ride on to my nearest destination --- the ultimate end of an infatuation-based love story. I tried to be firm, yet situation after situation, doubt after doubt, insecurity after insecurity were just a few of the killers. Serial love killers. And I, myself  let them commit such murder. :(

     I feel sorry for the person(s) I took the ride with. Nobody's somebody's scapegoat. I was able to pick up and keep love pennants along the way, and they were able to tell me things I have to avoid next time. Loving is equated to learning. I taught 'them' lessons somehow. I was their good karma. And forever will be it. 

     Should I be ready to take the plunge next time, I am sure I got myself tied with a harness --- a stable gear that will pull me up when things need a closer look from above. IRONIC, right? We get blinded when we try to look at thing in pointe-blanc. They get a little opaque. We get the larger view when we are a little far, then take closer steps to tick those small details that need mending, place things in order and mount them to forever in perfection.


Should I take the fall?

I do not know.

I am sorry.

....   

    

What your facebook profile photo says about you ^.^

Now, the rant.

The 'Face' you put on Facebook is not really who you are. It is how you want your friend to see you, or how you want to be imagined. Your profile picture is not only seen by your friends - it's the face the world sees, including friends of friends, former school mates and all sorts of other people.

Some people change their pictures often, as they alter the image that they want to portray. However, most people choose and image only once and keep the same picture unaware of the possible consequences of a poorly chosen picture. After a while the owner becomes oblivious to how silly their image looks to other.

Most people standard, somewhat boring photos that resemble passport photos and are chosen to be deliberately neutral and conservative. Other choose outrageous part shots hat ruin reputations. This article looks as the various types of passport photos and what they convey about you.

There are several distinct types of Facebook profile image that can be identified.

Let's examine why people choose these types and what the say about you.

The quirky, silly shot - Some people choose a self-mocking image that makes fun of them. They choose an unflattering face showing a silly expression or stupid clothes or funny hats. This may be suitable for a very short period of time or to share with your friends, but it is hardly appropriate as a permanent image.
What it says about you: It is demeaning and conveys the sense that you don't care, you are shallow and don't have self respect and self-awareness.

The studio model portrait - Some people choose studio poses with professional make-up, stylish clothes and hairdos and mood lighting.
What it says about you: You are dishonest and aim to mislead and hide behind a mask. It implies that you have something to hide.

The cartoonized image - There are various websites that will convert a photo into a cartoon version of it.
What it says about you: You are shallow and you are afraid to display yours self as you really are - even a carefully chosen photo has to be doctored.

The Antique Portrait Image -There are various camera options that allow you to create and antique effect. Or not, if you employ some judicious cropping. Who needs a left ear, anyway?
What it says about you: You want to live in the past ad you are afraid to face the future.

Cartoons and Movie Personalities - There was a ancient fad to post a picture of the celebrity you most resemble or your favorite cartoon character or movie star.
What it says about you: This is so out of date and pointless, especially for your more remote and distant friends

The Action Hero and Dare Devil -Many people post images of themselves bungee jumping, rock-climbing, surfing, doing a wheelie on a mountain bike.
What it says about you: Your ordinary self is boring and your normal life in unexciting. You have to invent an active super-hero to compensate. Most people will think the images are fake anyway.

Picture of your child or children -Your child is very cute, at least to you.
What it says about you: You are so totally obsessed with your children that it is probably not worth contacting you.

The Natural Setting and Travel Pics - Many people included pictures of themselves in the sunset, cuddling a crocodile, being straggled by a boa constrictor or beneath a giant tree in the rain forest or beneath the Eiffel Tower.
What it says about you: You are hollow and lack the self consciousness to be yourself. You have to adorn yourself in the emperor's new clothes. Do bother me as I'm likely to be on another holiday by myself.

The Family Portrait - Why include the family instead of your own face.
What it says about you: You are family focused and will be unlikely to be fully committed and unlikely to be much fun. . 

Up Close In your Face and Impersonal - the person is so close to the lens that you can see their tonsils and dental work.
What it says about you: You want people to recognize that you are unique and funny and you hope that this in-your-face image will appeal to many who will want to be friends with such funny character. Think again no one will recognise your tonsils and they will regard you as shallow and unable to crack a funny joke.

Shot of you as a baby or child - The picture is one of the person as a child that was dragged out of the family album.
What it says about you: You live in the past and you were cute as a child but now you are boring and ugly. You are very conservative and stuck in a rut and you probably never change and amount to anything. Who wants to communicate with an ancient kid photo

The Pet Show - The photo of the family pet, with or without the owner.
What it says about you: People will interpret the images depending on what they think of various types of pets. It says nothing about you.

The Wedding Photo - Man and woman in a formal pose showing a wedding dress and tux.
What it says about you: You want everyone to know that you are now grown-up. You have stopped partying and settled down to a family life of watching Family Guy reruns and doing the dishes. You cannot party anymore and you are half of a couple rather than a single individual person.

The Party Picture - The image is of a person often with someone else, clearly at a party.
What it says about you: You are stupid and young love partying but will probably be fired one of more jobs for something you posted on Facebook or a stupid email criticizing the boss. You wish you were married do you could replace the picture with a wedding portrait, or pictures of your children.

Advice for Choosing a Better Image

There is no trust in social media without a photo and so must have one that is honest. The photo should look like you and should be recognizable in an instant. So use close up shots (head and shoulders). Use a smiling shot that is more appealing. Avoid all the mistakes listed above.

© janderson99-HubPages

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It's an oxymoron, moron!

“Why would out gay men want to act like straight men?”

Being in a place where homosexuality is openly accepted and seeing hunky guys strolling in the malls with full make-up on, (... uhmnnn not really full make-up, just talk about layers of foundation and shiny BB cream on their faces + fashion contact lenses) I  still  CAN'T get the idea why there are still out gay men who want to act like straight men? And why is it that when you post your photo on Fb or in any social networking sites, (as openly gay, of course and doing effeminate poses, there are still idiots who make comments like, 'Ohh you are so gay'... and errrRRr, AM I NOT? LOL.)

I DO NOT COMPREHEND THIS IDIOCY. 

 Isn’t the whole concept of straight acting a massive example of internalized homophobia? I mean if you say “I act straight” aren’t you buying into the idea that there is some definitive way in that being a homosexual changes the way that you act? 

And what does it even mean to act straight? From a cursory look at a certain website, straight acting is advertised as acting in a masculine manner. If one can assume that in a man, straight is synonymous with masculine, then does this mean that gay is synonymous with effeminate? Isn’t this one of the main ideas from which homophobia springs; that all gay men are effeminate and all straight men are masculine?????

I’m criticizing the homosexual men who think that straight acting makes them somehow socially superior and go out of their way to appear straight to anyone who they don’t want to have gay sex with. If a homosexual man is masculine then that is how he is and I can say that I am an effeminate homosexual man (mostly). If he says he is straight acting then that is not how he is, that is an act. Acting means to act, fancy that!

As far as I see it, if you want to act straight and pretend to be straight when you aren’t then why not go all the way and BE STRAIGHT. I certainly won’t miss you. Straight acting is something we’ve all done at one time or another for usually one reason: We don’t want people to know we are gay. So why are there now all these openly homosexual men saying they’re straight acting and more importantly WHY DO PEOPLE WANT STRAIGHT ACTING BOYFRIENDS?

Straight acting isn’t being masculine, it’s being homophobic. You are scared of being associated with homosexuals because of the adversity we face but you’re more than happy to take all the liberties our struggles against this adversity have brought you.

So if you do just use the term ‘straight acting’ why not pause and think about the homophobia the term implies and just say ‘masculine’?

And if you’re acting straight purely because you think that it makes you better than all of us faggots, poofs and queers then I think that maybe you should finally step out of the closet and into our world because You can’t act straight and be gay.  ---- It’s an oxymoron, moron.   ^___^     

oooh haaaa! LOL

o0o

Good afetrnoon!

ktnxbye!

--

We kill for love, and yet we can kill love.

Love never dies a natural death.

And it makes me a killer, a murderer, a slayer or simply an emotion sucker the least.

This quote reminds me to stay mindful of holding close to best intention and remembering to take care of myself and others --- but I have the tendency to fail too.

I AM HUMAN.

 I am fully aware of my emotional state: being away from home, being away from the familiar places where I once roamed and sought refuge when I was heartbroken, misguided, hated and unwanted. And because of that awareness and the sanity that is always present in me, it's enough to know what I need to take care of myself makes it possible to be available and open enough to give and receive love.. I am capable of both.

I sometimes think of the connections I have with certain people as being made of tender flesh and bone, mortal connective tissue, a strong and yet vulnerable body or personae who lives between us and has a hand on both our hearts.

We can feed, pamper and nurture that body that connects us; like it's our precious child. If we're good caretakers of it, we will help it grow stronger with our ever present love and attention. If we know it's value, we will fiercely protect it from the dangers we know are out there (and within us) and that our experience has shown us will threaten its health and make our precious connection less resilient. If we are mindful of our responsibilities and can stay close to the love we feel for each other, we will treat our connections like living and mortal things.

Or we can ignore the precious nature of our connections, use the tender flesh that has a hand on both our hearts to lash out at it's weaknesses or mistakes. If we're not mindful of all the ways that our connection lives and breathes and grows as we do, we will push it too hard or too fast to be stronger than it's able to be; we won't let it grow strong enough and don't care for it well enough before we start testing it and trying to put it to work for us. We come to see the connection as a life raft, a support system, and infinite Atlas who will carry our heaven on his shoulders. We expect that the connection that exists between us is stronger than we are.

If we are not mindful, we will mistakenly think its purpose is to feed us instead of being nurtured by us. We will expect it to guide us and give us direction, we will call it names, blame it for our failings or our unhappiness. We will cling to its joyous nature, its wellspring of love and energy and assume that they will always be ours for the taking. We will act like it owes us something, like it has no needs of its own, like it has a bank account that never decreases. We will push and probe and test our precious, tender, vulnerable connection assuming that if it's real and true, it has to be strong enough so that it can take our beatings, our neglect, our lack of consideration, our stupidity and our selfishness.

Too many tests, too many injuries and bruises, too much neglect and mistreatment and the connection withers and dies. Or, as is often the case, because love is strong and doesn't give up easily, it kicks and screams and wails for months and months, taking each of our hearts in its hot little hands and squeezing with all it's might to try to shock us back into being alive and awake to it. But when the pain of those last ditch heart shocks wear off and there's no hope left for recovery, it lets go and the connection is gone. :(

 When love is killed, it buries the voice that used to shout the love that once we had. The worst thing will be is not to be able to say goodbye -- and that will be the saddest thing to happen before death.

Good night. T.T

o0o

Dirty Mirror

COLD WATER, AND A DIRTY MIRROR

I can’t believe you ARE still here,

Begging me, bring you near,

Holding on to all my fears,

My thoughts are not too clear,

I don’t know what to do,

My reflection is still into you,

I don’t know what to say,

It’s been a while,

Since you've been gone away,

I’m standing here,

Looking in a dirty mirror,

Nothing is too clear,

Why I’m still here,

What do I say?

What do I say?

What do I do?

What do I do?

Splash my face,

To change the pace,

Hearts will race,

Hearts will break.

Don't let me look into you,

For when I do,

Then I should break you.

STOP HAUNTING ME.

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The monks, my day, and love's crazy definitions~

 After 5 days of not having to go to work, here I am again, tapping my cranium and check the sanity inside...

 Yeah, my brain's still there. Still open to neurons. Can still distinguish love from hate... pain from pleasure..

 cough from sneeze... you from them...

   I from you.

------

 Earlier today, as I was walking on my way to the gates of Rungruangupatham school, I saw two young Buddhist monks walking ahead 10 steps from me approximately.I have always been amazed by thinking how these people live their lives. How could they bear walking barefooted  on  the asphalted roads baked in the sun? How do they talk? How do they spend their time in the bathroom? How do they see us? How do they see the world? What can they say about falling in love?

And then, I totally recalled the article I read years back, 'Notes from the Temple'. There were some chapters about love and blah blahss. (I did not talk to the monks as what I implied on my facebook status earlier... I just had a conversation with the idea from the article)   I just couldn't remember every line from the notes but it was like this...

Cliche as it is that loving is more on giving...

so when everyone gives, then everyone should receive. It's only about probability.

You're fortunate if your actions are requited, if not, don't give up on love. You're not at the losing end anyway. You can't lose something which is in your nature. It's always there. Nonetheless, never forget your essence... love yourself too, because you yourself is part of this universe. If there's no one to love you and care for you, who will?

----- and my reply:

 yes, it's in my nature... it can run dry when I myself can't nourish it for Im occupied by the task of nourishing others' existence..... and the monk (from the note) replied, "You are human... you tend to get swayed by too much affection for others... once you have reached your ends, you can always fall freely and get lost or you can take a tighter grasp... it's always your choice... choose the deserving if you aren't blind to see and numb to feel whether your actions are requited... or not."

.....and i walked away smiling and realizing...

-------------------

yet Love has a lot of definitions...

   Love is nothing. Love is everything. Love is the light that shines from every recess of your heart, or it is the darkness that extinguishes that light. Love is a mended heart. Love is a broken heart. Love is passion. Love is lust. Love is desire. Love is family, friendship, and romance.

Love is everywhere. Love is nowhere. Love is pain, sorrow, longing, and suffering. Love is joy and happiness, pleasure and delight. Love is the tears in the middle of the night. Love is the arms wrapped around you, keeping you safe. Love is a kiss. Love is holding hands. Love is a smile. Love is the shining in one’s eyes.

Love is kind. Love is cruel. Love is just. Love is unfair. Love is roses of deepest red, the night of deepest blue, the wind, all around, the deepest oceans and seas. Love is sin. Love is virtue. Love is forbidden. Love is encouraged. Love is sought after. Love is lost. Love is what comes to you when your heart is open. Love is what made you close it in the first place.

Love is a mother’s hand stroking her child. Love is a lover’s hand stroking his beloved. Love is feeling the warmth of another. Love is the cold when that other is no longer there.

Love is sacrifice, compromise, and understanding. Love is valuing someone’s life over one’s own. Love is a fairytale. Love is a nightmare. Love is stupid and foolish. Love is wise. Love is a memory of better times. Love is the desire to make more. Love is confusing. Love is crystal clear. Love is beyond death, beyond everything.

Love is light. Love is fire. Love is in the pulse of the earth and the crash of the waves. Love is the stars, the moons, the planets, the universe.

Love is loyalty. Love is trust. Love is free. Love always comes with a price. Love is forever. Love is fleeting.

Love is bullshit. Love is the truest form of magic this world has.

Love simply is.

still I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. 

SHOW ME.

PLEASE.

good night!

-lee.

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