Growing up and growing old, I have always associated grief with loss, death, a heartbreak, failure & lots of tears. I have experienced them all. I must have been grieving all along. OR I must have been grieving for the wrong reasons (perhaps), wrong seasons (maybe) OR I am just sad. I don't know.
I lost.
I have always wanted to win in life. I have had those victories. Little victories that were unknown to many but myself. Whether I came second best or even last. When I know that I have done my best at what I do, I'd feel a winner.
Imagine living abroad for almost a decade -- alone --. This is a feat as far as survival is concerned. How in the world I managed this? Oh yeah, clearly because I'm a salaried person. I work and I get to pay my bills, utilities and of course my gin and tonic. But since the COVID-19 outbreak, that feeling of being a champion has changed. The industry where I'm working in has been badly hit which eventually led to laying off and forced LOAs. Delving into details would be unnecessary. I took the latter, by the way. I was not forced to leave, though. I am convinced that I could make ends meet. Fortunately, I am actually doing it -- but still, I miss being in an actual workplace . Working from home is IN. -but- Having longer time with myself made me lose motivation. I get easily distracted. The pang of homesickness engulfed me. Should I go back home?
NO.
I am staying.
But my decision to stay spawned uncertainties. What am I doing here? Where am I heading? Tons of questions squirm in my mind that I have been losing sleep most nights. Is it depression? Am I depressed? Before I can finally define which stage I am at, I need to ponder on these:
Does my family have the same priority in my life as they used to?
Do people exhaust me?
Has my appetite changed and lost some weight?
Have I given up things I'm always excited about?
Has my taste in music or movies turned 'dark'
Do I want to run away but I don't know where to go?
Do I feel lost and confused and not able to do even simple tasks?
Do people exhaust me?
Have I put my friendship in the back burner?
Do I feel like crying for no reason?
Do I feel defeated?
Am I dealing with my possible depression with some 'vices'?
Do I think about suicide?
My possible thoughts and answers on these can gauge the severity of how I am feeling. Ask yourself too. If you don't even have these questions in your mind, you are fine, dear. Don't mind me. I'll be fine.
I just need a little fixing. A touch. A hug. Not any word.
JUST MEET ME WHERE I AM AT.
